Does anyone have the answer to that question? I’ll pay big bucks for that. I’ve been struggling for the past few days trying to figure out how to dodge the doubts and negativity in my head. It hasn’t been easy. Well, let’s be honest; I’ve been doing this for the past few years…more like most of my 50.
My doubts and negativity like to play dodgeball with my brain. My brain and my heart that is. But they play old-school dodgeball where my brain and heart are in the middle with doubt and all his wonderful thoughts are on one side and negativity and his minions on the other cackling away as they throw the ball over and over again aiming for the easiest things to hurt. And my brain and heart being the sensitive organs souls that they are, keep protecting themselves and never reach out to grab the jabs and thoughts and misgivings that are thrown at them and say “Enough is Enough. I’m done letting you define me.”
My negative thoughts tell me I’m unworthy of the people in my life. I don’t say things, because things are just that. Things. Am I worthy of this MacBook Pro I’m typing on? Meh, it’s just a laptop that I chose. When it breaks does that mean I’m not worthy to replace it. No, it means it’s just time for a new one. But the people in my life, especially since this journey began two years ago this October, have been supportive in ways I never imagined I deserved. They have urged me on and praised me when I needed it most. But my negative thoughts always crept in bolstered by the doubts telling me that I’m reading things wrong and that I’m only being placated and no one thinks I am succeeding or can do it. They tell me that I’ve never been successful at anything in my life before; why should now be any different? My doubts and negative thoughts have told me that people are only being nice to my face and behind my back; I’m the butt of jokes. My heart and brain try to push these thoughts away and let my eyes see what the reality is. That I have worked my ass off. I went from going to the gym once in a while to 6 days a week. My heart and brain try to cast off the clouds of doubt by saying “Look at how far you’ve come. Look at what people who are just casual acquaintances in your life (parents of my students) have come up to you and said.” Sometimes the dark cloud dissipates a little and I see my reflection in the mirror – and we all know how much I LOATHE mirrors – and startle at my reflection. I am not kidding when I say I’ve had to look to see if it is actually someone else.
My doubts and negativity love to mess with compliments. I can never take one seriously. I doubt the sincerity of them. I’m lucky – maybe – that I have trainers who know that when I say thank you, that I mean it. Often, more often than not, I won’t say Thank You because I feel I could have done better, that I was having an off day. That I let the outside world and doubts and negativity creep in and can’t say Thank You. Then I drive away from the gym feeling like a jerk for not saying thank you. Luckily I text better than I speak…well they may not think so….too many times have I done this. I’ve had compliments come from totally unexpected places where I’ve had to say…I’m sorry, what did you just say? I’m used to giving compliments…I’m awesome at that….but taking them…yeah, not a person who is used to getting them. The fall on my deaf ears.
I’ve been struggling terribly the past few days with the thoughts in my head and how they have affected me. How my doubts and negativity have branched out to hurtful comments and accusations that were only a result of my doubts and negativity overtaking my brain and putting it into overdrive or as I call it overthinking. That’s the main reason I’ve taken back to using my blog again. Maybe someone can tell me how to out run these thoughts.