Letting go is hard….

Harder than I thought.  I’ve been reading about how to not care what people think of you and just leading your own life. The problem is, I care to damn fucking much. I wear my heart on my sleeve….and what the fuck does that mean anyways…wearing your heart on your sleeve?

Wearing one’s heart on your sleeve” is not something that you want to do. This idiom means that a person is overly sensitive and easily hurt by minuscule things. Or, it means that the person has no control of emotions and shows or acts on his/her feelings too readily.”

 

Ooooohhhhhh…okay, yeah, that’s me in a nutshell. I am overly sensitive and I do get hurt by minuscule things. I do show my emotions too quick and often have no emotion over them. But I’m trying. I’m trying how to not let what others think of me affect or bother me. Problem is, it’s easier said than done.

To do this, I’ve had to construct these walls. I wish I could draw so you could see the little stick man I’ve created in my head who runs around with these stick blocks and builds walls around things that I need to keep inside. Poor little guy has been running his poor little stick feet off recently. In order to stop caring what others think, I’ve had to block up some emotions and feelings that have plagued me for a long long time. I’m not talking weeks or months, I’m talking years. It’s not easy.

Someone once told me in grad school that I let things just roll off my back and actually a member of the higher ups in the school administration said that to me in the first weeks of school…that she appreciated how I just roll with the punches of things that are thrown at me. Well either I’m an amazing actress or it’s just things in my personal life that I have a hard time rolling with. By personal life, I’m not talking my husband and children. I know I can let a lot of things that life throws at me roll off. I’ve done it with my husband’s MS for over 23 years now. I take it in stride and just put one foot in front of another. My children – the two things I can take an amazing amount of pride in – are awesome children who I know we’ve raised right because they are open and I never let the little things stress me out…the big things we take and cross the bridge when they come.

So obviously, anything that affects me personally, be it emotional or physical, I wear it on my sleeve. I’m trying really hard to put that sleeve out of business. It’s not easy at all. Things that have bothered me I have to swallow hard and keep inside…Some of it comes out in here in one form or another. Stuff I don’t want to make public, goes into another form of writing.

I know in the long run, letting go of what people think of me is for the best. If people don’t like me or what I’m doing then it’s on them. I can’t control anything  but my own actions.

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