How Not To Give a F*uck…

… title I could come up with for today’s post. Not that I’m sure anyone is actually reading this besides me as I type it.

The “poem” for lack of a better word that I posted in my previous post is one I wrote back in July when my depression was at an all time high. All of the triggers I have had been flipped and I was floundering…for lack of a better word. I started keeping a journal then and some of my thoughts wander over here. The ones I feel comfortable about for public consumption.

Because of this I’ve been looking inward a lot and wondering what is wrong with me. Why do I care what people think of me? I mean let’s be honest, I doubt I cross anyone’s mind at any given time. Why do I feel like people make fun of me?  I mean, for the most part, I’m an “invisible person”. I’m not someone who stands out in a crowd.  I’m average, well if even that. Over the years I’ve mastered how to just blend in and fade away. I’m not the one person you see who all attention goes to when they walk in a room. I’m the one who people are startled to see when they realize I was there.  I know this all sounds like I’m coming down on myself and I am, but I’m just trying to put it all out there and maybe…once I say it all out loud, things can change.

So back to the title of this post. I stole it from an online article I’ve been reading “How Not to Give a Fuck.” It starts by saying that no one really cares. (funny, I think that about everyone in terms of me). The article states :

study done by the National Science Foundation claims that people have on average 50,000 plus thoughts a day. This means that even if someone thought about us ten times in one day, it’s only 0.02% of their overall daily thoughts.

I never really thought about how many thoughts we have on an average day. All mine seem to be too sad and twisted to count.

It is a sad but simple truth that the average person filters their world through their ego, meaning that they think of most things relating to “me” or “my.” This means that unless you have done something that directly affects another person or their life, they are not going to spend much time thinking about you at all.

I completely understand that fact. But why do I not acknowledge it? Why, if I can understand it, do I not apply it?

Worrying too much about what other people think can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, because the way we think starts to become the way we behave. These individuals become people-pleasers and overly accommodating to others, thinking it will stop them from being judged.
In fact, the opposite is true. Most people don’t like push-overs and are turned off by it. The behavior we use in an attempt to please others, can actually cause the opposing effect.

Okay, so if I think I’m a looser and people make fun of me behind my back and no one believes I can accomplish anything…that I’m not worthy of being anyone’s friend, does that mean I will become all that? Have I already become all that? I don’t consider myself a push-over, but am I? Am I always trying to do the right thing just to make someone happy?

The article goes on to give some pointers.

1.) Know your values – what is important to me? Well, what is important is my family, my health, and my job. Basic values I must say.  What matters to me is that my family is happy and healthy and cared for. I want my health to be the best possible it can be. I want to be strong and healthy…skinny isn’t something I want any more. I want to live up to the challenges I have set in front of me and do them the best that I can. My job is solid and I know I’m good at it.

2.)Put yourself out there….Well, it suggests a blog….and here I am…that and my journal. I’ve also written several letters to people … well, I’m in the process of doing that…that may or may not get sent. Letters to them telling them how I feel about them and their place in my life…good or bad.

3.) Surround yourself with pros: No, not that kind of a pro. Surround yourself with people who are self-assured, and live life without comprising their core values. These people will rub off on you quickly. I do know some people like that and I hope they would consider being part of the people in my life I can trust and be surrounded by.

4.) Create a Growth list…now this is where it gets real A Growth List is comprised of all the things in life that make you uncomfortable. These are fears, insecurities —anything that gives you the jitters. Holy hell, what would I have on that? I mean to some degree I’ve started this already and not realized it. I mean I knew I was stepping outside of my comfort zone; I don’t think everyone knew how far out of my comfort zone I was stepping, but I was. I’d have to really put some thought into this. People say doing things alone is outside of their comfort zone. Doing things alone doesn’t bother me much.

  • Doing the Tough Mudder this past August was a HUGE step out of my comfort zone. I was completely out of my element and the result was FAR from what I had expected. Several times before the race I wanted to back out. I was afraid of letting the people on my team down. Since that included my trainer and my running coach, I worried more about what they would think than what I should focus on.Also, I invited the entire team and their significant others to stay at my family house in NH. It may not seem like an out of my comfort zone thing, but it was. I think I shocked my own cousin when I told her I did that. If you know me and know me well, then you know I’m an introverted person and inviting people I’ve only heard about to my home to stay was another huge outside my comfort zone thing.
  • Running is another outside my comfort zone thing. I’ve been attempting it lately with the help of my running coach James. I’ve had okay sessions, not okay sessions and better than okay sessions. I’ve had a massive anxiety attack during one that made me question going back to another session out of fear of his opinion of me after I had it. Just to answer that question, yes I went back and had a better than okay session.
    • So what would be on my Growth list? 
      ~My 2nd Spartan Sprint on 11/12 at Fenway Park. Why is this on my Growth List? Well, I’m doing it alone. I was going to form a team, but I want to do this alone. Yes, a Sprint is a team thing, but I’ve learned from doing it before and from the Mudder that everyone helps each other out when they do these races. I fear only two obstacles…the climbing rope and the 12′ wall.
    • ~Climbing that rope at the Spartan – fear of heights and all. The 12′ Wall, well if there is no one there to help me over it…..I mean I am only 5’3″….then I’ll burpee it out.
    • Letting this blog publish to Facebook. Right now it’s not because of the amount of my family on it and I don’t want them to be upset by some of the things I write and admit to. This blog, my writings are all my own thoughts. I would never intentionally hurt someone with my writing.
    • Running a 5K. This comes from my running coach. Before the Spartan he wants me to run an actual 5K.Running in public…scary.
    • Stop thinking people see me as a joke
    • Finish writing a book
    • speak in sign language for a full day
    • Work my way back to doing the Tough Mudder again
    • Volunteer on my own – technically doing that…volunteering at the Spartan Sprint the day of my Sprint…going alone
    • I think I may have to come back to this list after I’ve given it some thought. I may create a separate post just to list it all out.

I’m not sure where all this will lead me, but I hope..if anyone is reading…maybe you’ll follow me along on my trip.

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