26 Questions

From BayArt – I read this on the blog and decided to give it a go……

Here are just 26 questions that open the door to having a real conversation with yourself. I want to ask you to answer these questions honestly for yourself.

When you are ready to do this, copy these questions into a text document, quiet all outside distractions, take a few deep relaxing breaths, make a great cuppa tea, clear your mind of noise and clutter and dive in.

Know that there are no right or wrong answers. There is only you uncovering the process of building a closer relationship with the person within.

Questions to help you know yourself better:

What are my strengths? I did this one last. I don’t know if I can list my strengths. I don’t know if I’d just be blowing smoke up my ass. Um, I care. I am not afraid (anymore) to try something out of my comfort zone. If I trust you as a friend, that says a lot about you – is that a me strength or a you strength. I am loyal to a fault. 
What are my short-term goals? Long-term goals? Short term goals are gym based and beating my time from last years  Spartan Sprint at Fenway Park. Long term goals would be to work on my self esteem and believe in myself more.
Who matters most to me? Who are my support people?My family and friends are who matter to me most. My support circle, however is small.
What am I ashamed of?The fact that I don’t believe in myself and don’t see myself as worthy of the friendship and love given to me.
What do I like to do for fun? Read, write and go to the gym.
What new activities am I interested in or willing to try? What new activities…hmm, well I just checked off a 5K and would like to do one again without having to stop and walk. I wouldn’t mind trying yoga.
What am I worried about? I think a better question is “What am I NOT worried about?” I’m worried about not being a good parent and spouse. I struggle with being a good friend.
What are my values? What do I believe in? (consider politics, religion, social issues) I do not believe in any organized religion. I don’t believe one religion can be the “one” and the rest not. I believe everyone has the right to be married to who they love and adopt children or have children. 
If I could have one wish, it would be To not be asked that question
Where do I feel safest?Home and with those that I trust.
What or who gives me comfort? My family and knowing I made a difference in someones life.
If I wasn’t afraid, I would ….Wow, that’s hard. If I wasn’t afraid I would finish the book I keep starting. I wouldn’t care at all what people think.
What is my proudest accomplishment? My children
What is my biggest failure? Lack of confidence in myself
Am I a night owl or an early bird? How can I arrange my life to better suit this part of my nature? I’m an early bird. If I truly wanted to, since I get up at 4am I could go to the gym in the morning instead of after work, or do more housework at that time.
What do I like about my job? What do I dislike? I love all parts of my job, but the one thing that bothers me is the politics of education.
What does my inner critic tell me? My inner critic tells me what a failure I am.
What do I do to show myself self-compassion and self-care?I’m getting better at this and making sure I take time to do something for myself. Better, but not better better.
Am I an introvert or an extrovert? Am I energized being around others or being by myself? I’m an ambivert. I lean more to the introvert side, but because of my job I have some extrovert tendencies. I could sit and watch people all day.
What am I passionate about?Geekdom
What is my happiest memory?There are many, but hearing my then 2 year old son do the “woo woo” part of “Sympathy for the Devil” is in there
What do my dreams tell me?That I have some unsettled issues
What is my favorite book? Movie? Too many to list Band? Number one would be E-Street Band  Food?Mac and Cheese from Whole Foods Color? Indigo Animal? Dog
What am I grateful for? redemption and forgiveness
When I’m feeling down I like to write it all out. I’m getting better at that than overthinking
I know I’m stressed when I OVERTHINK

Costume Dash Boston

Here I come….24 hours from now I will be dressed in a costume to run my first 5K. I’ve done a Spartan Sprint (at Fenway), I’ve done a Tough Mudder (full in NH) and this race makes me more nervous. In both previous races, there have been obstacles. There are none here. When I ran the Spartan, I struggled terribly with my running. Since last March I’ve had a running trainer – remember Fritz* – and I run with him every other week. He’s got me up to 2.3 miles with a short walk in the middle. We ran this past Wednesday night and it was a shorter run because I’ve been struggling with hip pain.

My biggest fear is being the last one in the race to cross. Fritz gave me advice to start out the first mile with an easy pace and when I get to the water stops, to walk those out til the water is done and then pick up the pace again. I’m going to bring my headphones, I don’t know if that is rude or not, but if I truly am alone I can loose myself in my music.

Fritz told me it’s not about the time, it’s about finishing. (Something like that, I kind of deleted the text – sorry Fritz) I know I can do this. My legs are plenty strong. I’m not a fast runner – my speed makes them look good. I really am more nervous about this.

So if you happen to see a very slow moving/running gumball machine tomorrow – it may be me.

What Is Your Secret Introvert Power? — BayArt

If you had to guess, what would you say investor Warren Buffett and civil rights activist Rosa Parks had in common? How about Charles Darwin, Al Gore, J.K. Rowling, Albert Einstein, Mahatma Gandhi and Google’s Larry Page? They are introverts. The terms “introvert” and “extrovert” were first made popular by psychologist Carl Jung in the…

via What Is Your Secret Introvert Power? — BayArt

Relationship Quotes – A Reminder to All of Us — BayArt

Quotes about relationships of all types to inspire you to discover the power of your relationship to overcome all obstacles. Here are beautiful relationship quotes about relations between lovers, friends, and family to inspire you to cherish and appreciate all your relationships. Before, I want to share with you my love meditation practice and my…

via Relationship Quotes – A Reminder to All of Us — BayArt

What is Depression?

According to the Diagnostic Criteria for Major Depressive Disorder and Depressive Episodes (what a name)…To be considered depressed you must have at least 5 of the following 9 symptoms present EVERY DAY (my comments are in bold)

  1. Depressed mood or irritable most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (appears tearful)**I have only felt this way when I am having a depression episode and I can’t say that it’s most of the day but it will happen every day…again, only when I’m in an episode**
  2. Decreased interest or pleasure in most activities, most of each day **I can’t say this to be true at all**
  3. Significant weight change (5%) or change in appetite ** considering I’m actively loosing weight…no on this one**
  4. Change in sleep: Insomnia or hypersomnia**Again a no..my sleeping has been light since I became a parent. I get up at 4 a.m. so I go to bed early. I don’t have insomnia for odd reasons.
  5. Change in activity: psycho motor agitation or retardation **not that I can see**
  6. Fatigue or loss of energy**nope**
  7. Guilt/worthlessness: feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt **obviously…I mean my posts on this blog alone say that**
  8. Concentration: diminished ability to think or concentrate, or more indecisiveness **no**
  9. Suicidality: thoughts of death or suicide, or has a suicide plan. **I’ve thought that people would be better off without me around, but I never thought of killing myself or made a plan**

 

Now I know this isn’t a professional diagnosis – I’m not a doctor and don’t play one on television- but according to reading the rest of the sheet, I’m mild. But what is with the crying at the drop of a hat? Is that because I’m hormonal? Is it because the meds I’m on aren’t working (**strong chance of that since I’ve been on the same one for 16 years and am going to have that checked soon**

 

I’m sorry

image-2iI seem to have been saying that a lot lately. “I’m sorry for being a bitch” “I’m sorry for what I said” “I’m sorry for what I did”  “I’m sorry that I treated you badly and it’s not you. It IS me. I’m not a normal person and don’t deserve your friendship or your time.” This has been my frame of mind the past few days.  I know that apologies can mean the world to the person “wronged” but if I don’t change my behavior, what good is the apology in the first place? If I keep doing the same thing over and over, does that mean I haven’t learned my lesson? Does that mean that I really want the person(s) I’ve been apologizing to to just cut me out of their lives?

The past few days I’ve become very reflective. I hope the people in my life that I’ve had to apologize to can understand when I become this quiet. I need to reflect on things I’ve done and I hope when I come out the other side, they are still there.