I may have been misunderstood….

When I wrote my last post about giving up a bunch of social media, people commented if that was the source of my anxiety and depression. No. No; it is not. But, and that is a but with a capital B, it didn’t help my depression or self-image any.

Since I was younger I have struggled with my self-image. As the child of an alcoholic, I turned to sneaking food as comfort. Peanut butter was my big comfort. Add to that I wasn’t the most athletic child and you end up with a short round person. AKA a fat kid who loved cake. I may have been the original fat kid who loved cake…and ice cream….and frosting….and cookies….and you see where this is going. It didn’t help that I had a younger sister who was taller and much thinner. We kind of resembled Mutt and Jeff. So from an early age, I had this image in my head as the ugly sister. The fat one, who may have been smart and loved to read and watch tv, things that I totally embrace now as a Geek, but then, it was hard. I didn’t have many friends, I still really don’t. I don’t trust at all and have made numerous dumb mistakes that haunted me. I would make myself into a person that people would like not who I really was. I never thought I was worth loving nevermind liking as a person.

I struggle with all that on a daily basis. And that is part of why I am writing this blog – whether it is read or not – and why I gave up Facebook and SnapChat. I started over the past few years obsessing if people liked what I wrote. Liked what I posted for pictures or quips and quotes. I needed to stop worrying if others liked or read what I put up there in the world of Social Media. I needed to say “I don’t give a fuck” and think what makes me tick and makes me smile.

I have a family member who I shall call Kitty (*not her real name and when she reads this – I am sending it to her – she’ll yell at me for the name….sorry Kitty was the first thing that came to mind 😀 ) Anyways, Kitty is my family through marriage and I’ve been part of her life for all but one year of hers. Recently we’ve become close in proximity and bonding. We would spend a lot of time talking about life and relationships. And for someone young enough to be my daughter, she schooled my ass more than once. For the first time; I really let all my walls down and told her that I didn’t believe I was worthy of friendships and  didn’t believe I brought anything to the table to offer a good friendship/relationship with any human. I couldn’t see why people would like me and more often than not; saw myself as the butt of jokes.

Kitty and I had many talks/texts back and forth. She put up with me when any sane person would have blocked my name/number. A few weeks ago I realized all our texts/talks had been saved on my computer. I went back and re-read five months worth of texts. When I was done, I cried for a very long time. I saw the person I had become and wondered what would happen if I just disappeared. Not death, but just closed myself off from everyone and left their lives before I made any more of a mess than I already had. After I cried and found my way out of that hole, I deleted all those texts. And I started trying to understand why I needed to have other’s approval. I’ve been over that in older posts.

I’m still trying to work all that out. I closed my Facebook and SnapChat two nights ago. It’s funny that I still find myself looking for the app or the link. But there is no turning back. But back to my title of this post. The world of social media wasn’t why I was depressed and anxiety prone. My depression is deep rooted and I choose to talk about it because I live with it every day. I have chosen more times than not to be a semi-colon and take a time out and not end my story. I’ve had really really dark times where I truly hated myself and it took a lot to climb out of that hole, but I did. My anxiety may come from God only knows where. I’ve always just accepted it. I know when it’s coming on and I deal with it. But that’s another avenue I need to look into.

Right now, I’m working on finding out who I really am. I know I’m a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a cousin and a teacher. Sometimes I’m a writer. I’m a Geek. I need to remember that I am worthy of friendships and peoples praise. I need to know that I’m not someone who is mocked behind my back. I’ve worked my ass off the past two years to get where I am now physically. It’s time to bring my mental game up to par.

Please be gentle with me.

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