My last post was an open letter written to someone who doesn’t suffer from depression. It was actually written to one particular person. If that person knows it was them or not, I do not know. I write a lot as if I’m writing to someone in particular, this is to no one in particular.
Today I was driving along taking my dog to the dog park and I started crying. They were actual tears of happiness believe it or not. I realized for the first time in a long time I was really feeling good. I was feeling happy. It was an odd feeling. I honestly thought I’d lost my happy. I thought I’d be spending the rest of my days with a mask on my face pretending to be happy and dying on the inside. A week ago tonight I was convinced of that. This past Monday found me (at the suggestion of someone I trust) to call my doctor and tell them that the depression was worse on the dosage of the new med that I was prescribed. Maybe one of the best calls I’ve made in a while. They upped my dosage and that creeping feeling of depression holding on to my back has slipped away. It does come back every now and then, but I have dealt with it. And I’ve noticed that I feel happy. I don’t mean that my depression is gone for good, but I mean that I feel myself smiling when … well for no reason. Like on the way to the dog park. I just felt genuinely good. This will be a daily battle for sure, but it made me think about finding my happy. About anyone finding their happy. What is happy?
What is happy?
When you Google search what is happy, you come up with a ridiculous amount of quotes about relationships between lovers. Do you really need someone to make you happy? Well to a point you do, but your happiness is from you and another person can contribute to it and make it grow. But if your happiness is dependent on that one person, then that’s not happiness, that is a control that person has on you making you a slave to them…so to speak. I suppose to a point I let people decide my happiness. I let them control how I should feel in terms of myself. Taking the reins of control back has been an uphill battle. Today was a perfect example. I felt the reins slide out of my hands for a bit, but my inner strength held fast and didn’t let them go. There was a feeling of Oh Fuck No. I don’t want to go down that road again. I understand it may be a tempting side trip in the road of life, but if I took that side trip down that exit it would be up there with going to the Circus for me. Clowns and things I don’t like.
Quotes I found say that you have to decide to be happy. Okay, well that can be a big fuck you to someone like me. I absolutely hate when someone would say that to me. Like I have a switch on my neck that says “up for happy; down for sad”. It doesn’t work that way for someone like me. Someone who has depression and overthinks and has a surplus of negativity about herself. If I had a switch like that, I’d tape the fucker in the on position 24/7. But my switch has and up position, a down position and 300 stops in between. Okay, that’s an exaggeration, it maybe has 5 stops in between.
You have the sad position, but that’s not the bottom one. The bottom one is the I can’t deal anymore position and I’m thinking everyone I care about will be better off without me position. It was stuck there last weekend. The next position up is the sad position. That’s not really a bad position. We all have the right to be sad.You have to have sadness to balance things out and see what you really have to make the sad go away.There’s all kinds of sadness too so it’s not always a bad thing. Next up is the fake smile one. It’s where I really feel useless and undeserving (not to be confused with the lowest position) and have a fake smile on. The next position is the neutral one. I’m neither happy nor sad, I just am. I felt that way last week. It’s like walking in a fog. Gravity is pulling you down to the lower buttons, but they can’t succeed. Next button is the momentary happy. You feel moments of normalcy and happiness and think that it will all be okay. Buttttttttt not really sure that position will hold. Then the top is true happy. Like Snoopy dancing happy.
Quotes said, ignore the drama, ignore the hatred, ignore the pain….but when you feel you have caused the drama you deserve the hatred and the pain you feel. When you suffer from depression, you think you are the drama and people hate you for the drama you bring to them not always on purpose. It’s hard to turn that all off and say that you can find the happiness in yourself if you let that go. The only way to make that happen is to have amazingly supportive people who will call you on the drama and tell you that yes, they may be angry with you and your actions or words, but they still love you.
Happiness is a choice. No one chooses to be unhappy. No one wakes up and says “Oh today, I will be unhappy. I will put on my unhappy socks, unhappy pants, unhappy shirt and go out and bless the world with my unhappiness.” You will never be happy until you let go of the things that made you unhappy. Sounds like a very simple thing. Dust off your hands and BOOM, all those nasty little unhappy things are gone. For me, being unhappy had a sense of safety in it. Unhappiness had been where I’d spent so much of my time that I knew the landscape, I knew the scenery. I knew all the bumps in the roads and knew that unhappiness gave me security. Happiness was foreign. It was unknown. It was that road that was new and unexplored. (Yeah, milking the road scenario).
Then there is the infamous “Happiness is liking yourself.” Well here’s the thing with me. I don’t know if I like myself. This is how I see myself. I see someone who is not attractive (yes, happiness comes from the inside, but I need to spell this out) I see someone who is quiet and shy. I don’t feel I contribute much to society or bring much to the table of friendship. I think I’m an awful friend. I may be able to give advice because I’ve been through so much in my life and it’s those things that lend to me not liking myself. I feel I brought so much of it on by my own actions. I tend to hide and make myself invisible. Thinking if no one can see me then that’s a good thing. People have told me I’m funny and kind and have a great writing voice. But those things to me are what I give to others…if that makes any sense.I think I have a petty heart. I think I’m needy. I think I’m a loner. I don’t mean I think I’m better than anyone else, I just think people find nothing in me redeemable as a human being to be my friends.
And finally what is happiness? How do you find it? I guess that’s a personal answer for each of us to find. One thing that made me happy in spirit this week is the comment that Selena Gomez made at the AMA awards. That if you’re broken, you don’t have to stay broken. I’ve been broken for a long time. Most broken the past few months. I’m not intending to stay broken. I’m going to find my happy and hold on for all it’s worth.
I found this quote by Sarah Silverman: I think the difference between being miserable and finding happiness is just a matter of perspective. If you live your life defining yourself by what other people think of you, it’s a form of self-torture.
Is this what I’ve been doing?