An Epiphany

According to Dictionary.com; an “epiphany” is: a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

I had my epiphany the other night.I realized that I had hit “rock bottom”. (Which is defined as: “Hitting rock bottom” is a phrase that almost everyone has heard when talking about the topic of addiction. … Generally, rock bottom refers to a time or an event in life that causes an addict to reach the lowest possible point in their disease. It is a time when the person feels like things cannot get worse for them.) Well I’m not an addict in the traditional sense of alcohol or liquor, but I became addicted to feeling bad about myself and things going on, so in that sense I had hit rock bottom. I always thought rock bottom meant sadness, loneliness, anger, crying, screaming, yelling and other things along those lines. For me, I just suddenly realized I was feeling lower than I had ever felt (or that I can remember) and I had no lower to go. And just realizing that, I felt this massive weight lift off my chest. I felt …. positive….better.

I realized that no one is going to pat me on the back and say “good job Kelly”. I’ve been holding on to people telling me they were proud of me and encouraging me. When I didn’t get that verbal praise, I felt I was doing bad. I wasn’t living up to anyone’s expectations. But here’s the thing. Who was I trying to live up to? I’m only competing against my former self and THAT is who I should be getting praise from. My praise of my progression and my transformation is all that should really matter. Anyone else’s is just decoration on an amazing body transforming.

I realized that no one is going to care if I miss a day at the gym or if I’ve eaten well or not. It’s my journey so it’s my responsibility. Yeah I have trainers and I know that Fritz and Nigel check to see if I’m going in, but it’s not for them to notice if I do miss. I’m human. I get sick. I need to rest my body or it will get worse. I need to believe in my journey and follow the path I’ve been on for the past two years.

I realized that worrying about everyone else and what their opinions of me and what I do is just plain sabotage. No one is worrying about what I did or didn’t do and is going to tell me that I have to do this or that. Yeah, some will comment and if it’s positive and supportive, then I’ll take it. If it’s negative…fuck off. I’m only worried about me and what I am trying to accomplish. In the end, no one but me is going to get me moving and care what I’m doing.

I saw all the imaginary holes that I had dug myself into. Well truth be told, it was pointed out to me that I had dug imaginary holes and was thinking I had to climb out of. But what I was doing was sending out cries for help and for attention. I was hoping someone would come and say “Can I help?” or “What do you need?”. The thing is, those people haven’t been coming around and asking those questions….well if they have, there is a hitch. They would want something more from me than I needed from them. Answer to that…I don’t need people like that in my life. They are more toxic to me than I believe myself to them.

The choices I make from this point on (starting two days ago) can only move me up. My happiness, my well being, my self-worth, and my well being will only come from me.  I hope I have learned from my mistakes because if I keep doing the exact same thing over and over, hoping for a different outcome, then I believe that is the definition of inanity.

 

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