If something belongs to the past and isn’t important or troubling any more, it is water under the bridge.
This phrase stuck in my mind due to Adele’s new song. Not that this and the song have anything in common for what I’m writing. It made me wonder what the phrase means. The definition comes from Urban dictionary and it says if something belongs TO the past and ISN’T important or troubling any more, then it’s water under the bridge. I thought I’d come to that point where things in my life are water under the bridge, but I’m beginning to think it’s not so.
An example is still the gym. I thought I’d gotten past the thoughts I had of people’s perceptions of me. I thought I’d gotten to the point where I could not just give a fuck. Yeah, they seem to have snuck back up on me. If someone looks at me in what I perceive to be an odd way, I wonder what I’ve done wrong. I think they are laughing behind my back. So obviously, this is not water under the bridge, it’s still lapping at the shores and threatening to tsunami.
And then I wonder if I’m projecting so much awkwardness on to other people that they are just avoiding me to get away from me. I really really really thought I’d gotten off that rotary but it seem’s I’m stuck in left turn mode.
The new meds, well it may be too early to tell a difference. They seem to be effecting my appetite where I have to remind myself to eat. Not really a good thing when you are working on strength training and have to eat. I also feel like I’m in a permanent state of funk. Like I just want to be quiet…all the time. Is that a side effect? Maybe. I’m meeting with a new therapist (first one in 9 years) and then back with my Doctor at the end of the week. Could be my meds need to be upped. I don’t know.
What I do know is I want to see this all be water under the bridge, not a boat I’m spinning in a whirlpool in.