I’m writing this to the person who doesn’t suffer this. I want you to understand what it feels like. I’m not a terminally depressive person. I’m not a lost cause or a person to be avoided. I didn’t wake up this way. I’ve fought it my whole life. But recently, be it life changes or hidden truths revealed, things became off in my life. Things that made me happy suddenly didn’t. I struggled to find the elusive ray of light and happy that I always had.
Tears..well tears became too common. And I don’t mean the kind that you see in a Hallmark movie. I’d burst out crying over dumb things. Things I knew were lies Depression wanted me to believe and the struggle of heart and mind brought oh so many tears. I am a writer at heart, but vocalizing a simple request or plea turned top over bottom and made things worse.
I forgot how to genuinely smile. I couldn’t look in the mirror because the image I saw was Depression grinning back.
I felt this wall go up and it wasn’t brick and mortar. It was glass. Distorted glass at its best. I saw my family and friends in that elusive ray of light; living and loving and having everything I didn’t think I deserved. Behind this glass wall I felt worthless and no matter how hard I tried to get on the other side of the glass wall, I couldn’t make it. I began to feel like I was falling and no one would catch me. Every past failure, real and imagined grew in volumes in my head. People were mocking me, every look I got was followed by a laugh. They saw me as attention seeking. Silly girl, who do you think you are? Who cares about you? That was my mantra. Who did I think I was? Why would I think people would want me around? What value did I bring to any table? Who would miss me if I was gone?
Oh, that terrible … awful road. Depression grinned. It found me at a crossroad. Go left, take one step even if your feet felt like they were mired in cement, I would make it. Go right…well that road took me to a final place. I stood there scared and alone. I thought of those I love and care about. How they’d be so much better with this albatross off their neck. Would they notice me gone? How easy could I be replaced? Very easily I believed. They would move on til the missing albatross was naught but a memory.
There I stood at my crossroad. Depression climbing up my body threatening to engulf my soul. And there in the darkness I saw it. No bigger than a speck of glitter, it lay on the road to the left. Depression grabbed tight and whispered in my ear. It told me I was not worthy of that speck of glitter. It begged me to follow it to the right and let the hurt go. Stop being a burden to my family. But that speck of glitter began to glow. My heart fought back and began to beat harder. The glitter became a gleam. Depression tried pulling me away from the light that beckoned me. I looked to the left and saw my family and loved ones and knew that they would be there no matter how lost I felt. Then I looked over my shoulder to the darkness on the right.
“Not tonight.” I shrugged Depressions hold and started down the left road.
I’d like to say this is a metaphor, a nice little explanation; but it was this past weekend. I’m still here. I’m not okay today. I may not be okay tomorrow or the day after. But I will get there. Please be patient with me.