“Gratitude”

“Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” –William Arthur Ward

In life, we have many kinds of relationships. Some push us. Some test us. Some show us appreciation. Some show us, love. Some relationships can help us grow and some challenge us in ways we don’t expect. But every relationship teaches us. It can teach us to trust and to forgive. It can teach us to love ourselves as well as each other. We can learn to say no. We can learn to step out of our comfort zones.

But how do we thank the people we have these relationships with? Is a simple thank you enough?

Yesterday I had a very long texting conversation with Kitty. I told her that I completely appreciated all she said to me (even if some of it I initially took the wrong way) because I knew she was alone at work and has a very demanding job in the medical field. I appreciated that she took the time to say all that she did out of concern and it all came from a place of sincerity. I’m not the easiest person to deal with and I told her that just having the opportunity to say the things that I did “out loud” helped me quite a bit.

On Tiny Buddha, they list 50 things that we can do to show gratitude. Some of them I really like and agree with wholeheartedly.

Giving someone a hug. I like hugs. I like to think I’m a good hugger. Sometimes, I don’t have the words and all I can offer is a hug. This may not be a gratitude thing, but I know someone who gives me hugs all the time. Sometimes I have to text him to thank him because he may not have known it at the time, but that hug was a blessing.

 

I always make sure that if someone I care about needs to talk, that they know I’m there for them. Even if it’s just a “text-a-thon” session. They know they have my full attention and I will be as brutally honest as they need me to be.

 

One of the suggestions was to look them straight in the eyes and say, “You make the world a better place.” This may sound bitchy and petty, but I really wish someone would say that to me. After this week, I’ve questioned my place and impact in the world.

Show Gratitude to People Who Challenge You

 

  • Resist the urge to tell them they’re wrong. This made me think of something Fritz said about Thumper.

thumper

  • If they inspired you to push outside your comfort zone, thank them for inspiring you to take a risk, and let them know how it paid off.
  • Write a blog post about how they helped you see things differently and dedicate it to them.
  • Use the lesson this person teaches you through your interactions, whether it’s patience, compassion, or courage.

 

 

 

Show Gratitude for Yourself

  • Make a list of ways you’ve impressed yourself lately.
  • Treat yourself to something you enjoy, like a pedicure or a massage.
  •  If someone compliments you, thank them and let them know you’re proud of that skill, talent, or accomplishment.
  • Compliment yourself—say it while looking in the mirror, write it in a journal, or jot it on a sticky note and put it on your refrigerator.
  • Give yourself time to enjoy a passion you’re sometimes too busy to fit in.
  • Take an inventory of all the good things you’ve done for other people and the world.
  • Write yourself a love letter. Seriously, start with “Dear Lori” (but insert your own name) and describe all the things you admire about yourself.
  • Let go of any conditions you have for being kind to yourself—meaning you appreciate even if you didn’t accomplish or do anything specific.
  • Schedule a date with yourself—an afternoon or evening that’s all about you.
  • Share the beauty that is you with the people around you, knowing they’re fortunate to have you in their lives.

Life has many ways of testing…

…..a person’s will. Either by having nothing happen at all or by having everything happen all at once.” ~Paul Coehlo

Today was one of those days. Yesterday, I decided that the funk I’ve been in since Christmas Eve morning wasn’t normal. I can break out of a funk in 24 hours. I’m going on a week now. I called my doctor to up my dosage. I should have done this when I met with her a week ago and I wondered about it then. She was off yesterday and I was told to call back today so that I could talk to her directly. Okay…so off I go to have an ultrasound done of my thyroid. I had a little lump in 2009 and haven’t had it looked at since then. This morning I call my doctor and I’m told she’s on vacation (um, could have told me that yesterday) and to call back on Tuesday. Fifteen minutes later I get another call from my doctor’s office. Apparently, the lump has grown and I have to go see an Endocrinologist. Talk about raining and pouring. Jesus. I’m struggling to get from one day to the next. It’s hard to get out of bed and when I do get out of bed, I’m afraid to stop moving. If I stand still too long then it will all come rushing back into me. Now I have to wait 4 days…no really 5 days before I can call my doctor to have my meds upped. AND I have this thyroid thing. I’m struggling in every area of my life and now I have new things.

“Kitty” told me that often thyroid issues go hand in hand with depression. Before you ask, “Kitty” works in the medical field and I trust her judgment. I googled it after I left the gym and saw that there are some connections between the two. It’s just at first my brain raced to something severe like cancer. It’s not there now, but I am concerned. I feel like I’ve worked so hard on me that something like this would be a typical Karma event. I have an appointment next Friday at 9:15. I hate having to take a day off from work, but I’m going to.

You say you want a Resolution…

You say you want a revolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world
You tell me that it’s evolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world

Okay, so I played with the title a little. I hope Sir Paul doesn’t mind. Revolution and Resolution are so close in spelling and in meaning. It’s that time of year when we are supposed to “resolve” to make a change. Isn’t that the basis of a Revolution? We may be resolving to make a change to our body or the way we live, but sometimes it takes a Revolution to make those changes. You have to take up arms against what you want to change.

A New Year’s resolution is a promise a person makes for the new year. Regardless of what resolution you commit to, the goal is to improve life in the coming year. Resolutions can come in many forms. Some people make a promise to change a bad habit, such as quitting smoking or eating less junk food.

The tradition of New Year‘s resolutions dates all the way back to 153 B.C. January is named after Janus, a mythical god of early Rome.

Janus had two faces — one looking forward, one looking backward. This allowed him to look back on the past and forward toward the future.

On December 31, the Romans imagined Janus looking backward into the old year and forward into the new year. This became a symbolic time for Romans to make resolutions for the new year and forgive enemies for troubles in the past.

The Romans also believed Janus could forgive them for their wrongdoings in the previous year. The Romans would give gifts and make promises, believing Janus would see this and bless them in the year ahead.

And thus the New Year‘s resolution was born! (*definition from Wonderopolis)

I don’t make resolutions anymore. I know people who make a resolution and before Valentine’s day, they can’t even remember what they did in the first place. My favorite place to view New Year’s resolutions is the gym. From this Sunday til possibly Valentine’s day, the place will be packed at night. Thank God I go right from school and it’s not too bad. I’ll see the packed-ness when I train with Fritz for running. We usually train later at night.

What kind of Resolutions are good ones?

  • Stop procrastinating
  • move more
  • do a random act of kindness each week
  • spend more time outside
  • make a bucket list of places you want to go
  • make a bucket list of books you want to read
  • follow a 30-day challenge…it doesn’t have to be on planks, maybe a challenge to learn a new word a day
  • make a list of things you are looking forward to in 2017. A new book, a new movie, a concert…..
  • put the damn phone down at dinner

I could Google a day’s worth of suggestions. But in the end, we all make our own Revolution with our Resolutions.

Deserve

I deserve. You deserve. They deserve. We deserve. Who decides what we deserve? Are we born with a list of items that get checked off when we get “what we deserve”? Is there a limit to getting what we deserve? Is it a good “they got what they deserved” and a bad “they got what they deserved” list?

If we get what we deserve, did we work for it, or was it handed to us? Why do some people get the good things they deserve while some wonder why we think we don’t deserve the things we want? I’m a good person. I have a kind heart. I go out of my way to help others, yet I feel that I am undeserving of friendship, of kindness, of support of others.

What did I do to deserve anxiety and depression? What did I do to deserve overthinking every gesture and action others do? What did I do to deserve feeling like I am unloved and unwanted? What did I do to deserve thinking others look at me and cringe when they see me coming? When they see my name pop up on a text and in my mind, they ignore or clear it? What did I do to deserve any of these doubts and questions in my mind?

Maybe I get what I deserve because I can’t let go of the past. I can’t let go of what I want to be and it’s not going to be that way. I deserve honesty but think that people lie to me. I deserve someone who will appreciate me and be loyal to me, but I’ve been so scared and walked on in the past that I don’t know if people really appreciate me and are loyal to me both to my face and behind my back. I deserve to have my trust never abused, but my trust has been trashed and burned and the ashes still exist. I deserve someone who will always be there for me no matter what a bitch I am and knows that I will be there for them too.

I know I’m not a perfect person. Each time I put myself back together, the cracks show more and more. But I am loyal. I am honest with you. I know I deserve all that I give brought back to me.

We all feel the need to be authentic

Everyone wants to be liked. We want people to like us how we are. We want people to like us and get along with us. When we think people like us we thrive, we feel good about ourselves. But when we feel people don’t like us, “No one likes me”  or “I have to get them to like me”, it can become dangerous. Like with me when I worry too much about what others think of me. I’m reeling in that right now. I am completely in the mode that I do not matter and that people think of me like a bad smell passing by them (see previous post). I am struggling terribly this holiday weekend.

I think that everyone sees me as weak and a fuck up. I can’t see people seeing my strengths and goodness in me. I know they are there, I just think they are paying me lip service. I read that I should seek out a small group of friends that I can trust and learn to trust them and know that I’m loved. Ther problem is….I truly have no friends. Bernard Baruch said “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”

 

I know I shouldn’t care if people think badly of me. Not everyone likes me, I know that from the past few weeks in school and I still lived and made it through it. The worst thing that could happen from knowing/finding out people don’t like me I know who really does like me…I hesitate at writing friend there.

I started therapy to help me will all these issues and the thoughts and feelings that no one cares. I have my next session two weeks from tonight. I need to learn what I want and what I need. I know I am going to have periods, episodes if you will, like I’m having now, where I can hear myself saying that people don’t like me and I built myself up to be more to them than I really am. I have been keeping my other journal and writing all that comes to mind. I talk to myself. I write letters to people. I need to deal with this on a level that goes beyond what I am capable of doing alone.

 

 

Here’s how Carl Jung put it: “May each one seek out his own way. The way leads to a mutual love in community…Therefore give people dignity and let each of them stand apart, so that each may find his own fellowhsip and love it.. Give human dignity, and trust that life will find the better way.”

To All I Love

It’s Christmas Eve and I should be happy
But I’m not
I can’t stop crying
I can’t stop the hurt
There’s a giant hole in my soul that keeps growing
I’m trying to stop it and it’s hard
I’m alone
I have no friends
I have no one to reach out to
They have their lives, they don’t need me
I’m like a bad smell you wrinkle your nose at
You acknowledge it but it won’t go away no matter how hard you try
I’m ever present and unwanted
You wish I’d dissipate, but I linger
I have tried so hard to succeed but failure is taking over
Please know I tried so fucking hard
I want so much to be happy
I want to not feel like this
I want you to not be embarrassed by me
I want you to genuinely like me, not because you have to or have no choice
You know having me not in your life would be a god send
You wouldn’t have to deal with this shit
I want to do that I want to give you that
A life free of me
I think about the feel of cutting. Letting it all melt away
But I can’t. I’m even a failure at that.