The Struggle Is Real

“The Struggle is Real” an expression used to emphasize the gravity of a frustrating circumstance or hardship, which is often used ironically online in a similar manner to first world problems.

This is how I feel today.Which of the feelings in my head are real? I feel happy and sad today. Which one of the me’s is me? Am I the happy me or the sad me? Am I the person person who is shy, withdrawn, desperate, suicidal, doomed and tired? I know I’m not suicidal, but I feel withdrawn and desperate today. I feel the doomed. I feel that nobody knows the real me. That no one knows how  many times I cried when I am alone. How many times I’ve lost hope and feel not only let down,but that I let people down. No one knows how many times I’ve come close to snapping. Well that statement isn’t true. They just know that I have, not how many times. No one knows how hard I want to talk to them, but I don’t just to keep them safe and keep their lives  happy.

The struggle is real. The “voices” in my head are friend and foe. They tell me that I’m doing great and then the foe tosses a comment from the peanut gallery that I’m not. This chatter going on in my head is making it hard for me to seperate emotion from truth; optimism from insanity. I try to keep the past thoughts away, behind that wall, but they keep rising up and try to jump over. I’m over analysing and overthinking choices that I have made recently and it’s making today a difficult day. I’ve tried stepping back and looking at those choices from the outside and see why I made those choices and what the outcome has been. The “shun me” shadow is creeping up and wondering if the world is going to shun me for my choices.

The struggle is real today. I’m feeling self doubt and an overwhelming sense of not belonging. I’m trying to look at the recent low points in my life and not be so harsh on myself for having them. I came through them; I didn’t succumb to them. But I am struggling today. I know this is going to be a daily thing. I have to keep reminding myself that I chose the comma and not the full stop.

 

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