(Comments today come from this blog article.)
So over the past 48 hours or so; I’ve openend up and told people about what happened to me a few weekends ago and now I feel worried. I wonder how they will look at me now? Will they feel pity for me? Will they think differently of me now? I know I shouldn’t care what people think, but under the circumstances, I am truly worried.
This morning I read the article linked above, “While Rain Can Cause Floods, It Can Also Cause Growth. While Tears Can Show Vulnerability, They Can Also Show Strength.” Society tells us that emotions should be kept inside because they make us vulnerable. In some cases, we are raised to not talk about our emotions or when we are feeling sad or upset. You grew up hearing that you need to be quiet and that you should never talk to anyone about things like that. Even seeking any kind of help isn’t a good thing. To some degree peope can be over emotional and that can lead to all kinds of issues; I should know.But keeping your emotions bottled up and hidden away can also make you seem unfeeling and cold. It’s a bit of a two sided sword.
I have been fighting for a long time to not let others get the best of me (even if they don’t mean to do it and it’s totally in my head) and let bad situations bring me down. I made the mistake of keeping it all inside and letting it grow to unreasonable proportions. I have learned to vent, not a lot of venting and I’m very skittish who I vent to. This blog is a form of my venting, but as I’ve written many times, I don’t know if anyone reads this and I’m almost sure no one who knows me personally reads it so my venting has a different way of coming out. Stuff that is close to the heart generally gets disguised here.
Crying can be seen as a weakness and it can be seen as showing how confident we are in our feelings; that we struggle and are not afraid to show it. I personally go to great lengths to not cry in front of anyone. People know I’m not perfect and some are just finding out about how hard I struggle every day. This brings me back to opening up to people. Five people are aware of how I felt that night. Two are family, three aren’t. I don’t regret telling them how I felt. To be honest only the two people I spoke of it to yesterday are actually aware of what happened, one knows I believe from just knowing me and the other two just have a general idea since I chose to not really get specific with them (let me know if you need a map for that statement…sorry). I do worry how they look at me now. Do I have this bubble over my head that reads (She thought the world would be better off without her and considered acting on it?) Even as I write that, my eyes well up. They welled up when I wrote a text to my family member and admitted it to her. She was the one who strongly suggested I call my Doctor and talk to them about my meds and the dose). I was crying when I called my Doctor. Does this make me weak? Does this make me scared? Let me tell you, it doesn’t make me feel strong or brave. I worry about going to meet my new therapist in two weeks and having to open up to a total stranger and I KNOW the tears will come then.
I know it’s not easy to look at things in a positive light. Recently the word positive was to me like garlic and sunlight to a vampire – not the sparkly kind. I was convinced that I was meant to be completely negative. I could find every positive attribute and situation and comment and advice for anyone, but in my eyes, I was Captain Negative. I lived in Negative World and my life was destined to be on the Negative road. I know now that I’m not meant to drown in a sea of negative and expressing what happened and how I feel and basically owned up to things I feel. I worry I may loose people in my life from this. I worry that by opening up to people and to a therapist, I’m going to loose a lot. I guess I’ll know who is there for me as this journey goes on. Just bare with me. I’m still figuring a lot of things out and some of them are really scary for me and may make me emotional. All I ask is that if you truly care and want to help me just give me a hug and a tissue. I promise I’m worth it.