Many times I’ve been alone
And many times I’ve cried
Anyway you’ll never know
The many ways I’ve tried ~Lennon and McCartney
I’m sitting here reflecting on the shit show that was today. I tripped and stumbled onto the shoulder of the long and winding road of dealing with depression. I thought I was doing good; until I got to the gym and it felt like a sack of wet towels hit me upside the head. All my overthinking of EVERYTHING rushed up all at once. I made the choice of texting “Kitty” to tell her I was really struggling and overthinking things. It was a choice I shouldn’t have made.
I made a promise to myself to deal with this shit on my own. I’ve said and leaned on “Kitty” way too much. She has her own life and doesn’t need my bullshit. Given the chance; she may say different, but these are my words and my thoughts. I tried so fucking hard at the gym to hold it all together. The gym is supposed to be my place of zen and calm. For a while, it wasn’t and only recently it came back to that. Today it came to a screeching halt again. I felt like everything I was doing was wrong. I felt like I wasn’t even close to being where I was supposed to be. I felt like I was treading water and the undertow was trying to drag me down. I felt like I was an imposter who shouldn’t be there. I started to have the thoughts of how can I make the pain go away. And then the tears came.
I’ve been on the verge of them all day. I’m overwhelmed at school with report card garbage and over stressing myself with a class I’m half-assing it to finish when I just should have passed on it to begin with. Tie this all in with this week being my father’s anniversary and as dumb as it sounds..my emotional spiral started when the damned last set of lights went out and it feels like that was my last true connection to my dad and now it’s gone.
I hate this long and winding road. I’d love to have it be a nice scenic journey with amazing off-ramps that take you to cool places and amazing memories. Why do I have this road with pot holes and warning signs that I miss? Why do I get the roads with frustrations of traffic jams? Why can’t I use my GPS to learn how to navigate around these? Why is all of this so fucking hard?