To All I Love

It’s Christmas Eve and I should be happy
But I’m not
I can’t stop crying
I can’t stop the hurt
There’s a giant hole in my soul that keeps growing
I’m trying to stop it and it’s hard
I’m alone
I have no friends
I have no one to reach out to
They have their lives, they don’t need me
I’m like a bad smell you wrinkle your nose at
You acknowledge it but it won’t go away no matter how hard you try
I’m ever present and unwanted
You wish I’d dissipate, but I linger
I have tried so hard to succeed but failure is taking over
Please know I tried so fucking hard
I want so much to be happy
I want to not feel like this
I want you to not be embarrassed by me
I want you to genuinely like me, not because you have to or have no choice
You know having me not in your life would be a god send
You wouldn’t have to deal with this shit
I want to do that I want to give you that
A life free of me
I think about the feel of cutting. Letting it all melt away
But I can’t. I’m even a failure at that.

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