I deserve. You deserve. They deserve. We deserve. Who decides what we deserve? Are we born with a list of items that get checked off when we get “what we deserve”? Is there a limit to getting what we deserve? Is it a good “they got what they deserved” and a bad “they got what they deserved” list?
If we get what we deserve, did we work for it, or was it handed to us? Why do some people get the good things they deserve while some wonder why we think we don’t deserve the things we want? I’m a good person. I have a kind heart. I go out of my way to help others, yet I feel that I am undeserving of friendship, of kindness, of support of others.
What did I do to deserve anxiety and depression? What did I do to deserve overthinking every gesture and action others do? What did I do to deserve feeling like I am unloved and unwanted? What did I do to deserve thinking others look at me and cringe when they see me coming? When they see my name pop up on a text and in my mind, they ignore or clear it? What did I do to deserve any of these doubts and questions in my mind?
Maybe I get what I deserve because I can’t let go of the past. I can’t let go of what I want to be and it’s not going to be that way. I deserve honesty but think that people lie to me. I deserve someone who will appreciate me and be loyal to me, but I’ve been so scared and walked on in the past that I don’t know if people really appreciate me and are loyal to me both to my face and behind my back. I deserve to have my trust never abused, but my trust has been trashed and burned and the ashes still exist. I deserve someone who will always be there for me no matter what a bitch I am and knows that I will be there for them too.
I know I’m not a perfect person. Each time I put myself back together, the cracks show more and more. But I am loyal. I am honest with you. I know I deserve all that I give brought back to me.