I keep telling myself, I just have to do it. I need to push myself to get up and force myself to put one foot before the other and refuse to let this depression bring me down. I need to remind myself to fight. I need to learn to curse. I need to go on about my day and live. That’s what I keep telling myself. And if I just keep moving forward, I’ll look back one day and realize I’ve climbed a mountain.
Today is a new day. Today is my birthday. Today I am 51 years old. I don’t feel 51. I’m not sure exactly what age I feel. Definitely not older or in my 50’s. I honestly don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. I guess it’s all in perspective. Today I started a higher dosage of my meds. I’m hoping that is a good thing. I’ve been struggling for the past two weeks. I can’t bury my head in the sand and pretend everything is fine. I feel like I have permanent resting bitch face and I forgot how to smile.
One of the things I’m trying to wrap my head around is knowing that not everyone will have my back. There have been some who I thought would have my back, but have actually kicked me when I’m down. And on the other end of the spectrum are the ones that I didn’t think would be there to support me but have done that. Relationships are like that, they flow like the ocean or be like the weather. They will be there when the sun is out to help me enjoy the fine weather and my good times and then disappear into the shadows. Then there will be ones that will be with me by my side through storms and the sun. I’m not very good at recognizing these people. I often confuse their gestures and kindness and I need to understand and work on that.
I’m in a bit of a storm now. I haven’t seen the sunshine for a few weeks. I try to remind myself that I’m not this somber person 24/7. I am someone who loves to laugh and smile and be around people.