Sisu is a Finnish word with no real English translation. It means having guts, determination, the strength of will and courage in the face of adversity. It means displaying courage, action against odds, and ultimate determination. It is also going to be my next tattoo.
I don’t know if I can say that I have a strength of will and courage in the face of adversity since I don’t know what kind of adversity I have faced. I do know that I have an ultimate determination, though.
I am determined to get my depression under control. I am determined to keep on bettering myself. I am determined to keep on fighting and not let things get the better of me. And in that measure, I have been taking steps.
I got a list of Negative Core Thoughts from my therapist and had to choose which ones “spoke to me”. I chose several.
I am inferior, I am nothing, I am worthless, I am invisible, I am insignificant, I am plain and dull/I am not special, I don’t matter/I’m not valuable, I am unworthy, I don’t belong, I am alone, I’m nothing, I am unimportant, I don’t matter, I am unattractive, I am ugly, I am fat, I am useless, I have a mental problem, There’s something wrong with me, I am a failure, I am inferior and I am a loser
I know these, may seem harsh, but I had to choose what spoke to me. These did. If you had to ask what percentage I believed to be true, I’d say 75%. I don’t know what will come up in the next session. And part of me is scared about that too. In my last session, we started “strong” (my opinion) about an issue where I feel I am struggling the most. I’m not going to go into detail here about it. Let’s just say, that when the words came out of my mouth, I felt stupid, silly and petty (in no particular order). I was told that my feelings were valid and I shouldn’t feel that way. But that in reality, one of my biggest fears will come true and that I really can’t stop it. It hurt to realize that because it is what it is. It is life. It is that way things are in reality. I know there will be a lot more to this/that conversation.
I also had a bit of a talk and a worksheet on Automatic Thoughts. ( I may have written an earlier post on this, but I want to get a little more into this). And I did some reading on my own about Thinking Styles.
Thinking Styles first. I do “Mind Reading”; this is where even though people have not told me so, I believe I know what people think and feel about me as well as why they behave the way the do towards me. I am guilty of “Personalization” where I think that things people say or do are in reaction to me or I believe that I am responsible for things people say or do. Next, we have “Filtering” where I magnify or dwell on the negative details of a situation while ignoring all the positive ones. “Jumping to Conclusions” is where I make illogical leaps in believing that “a” caused “b” without enough evidence or information to support my conclusions. “Blaming” where I blame myself for things that are not in my control. And finally; “Emotional Reasoning” when I automatically believe that what I feel is true for me. If I feel strange, boring, stupid and so on then I believe I really am these things.
I’ve started keeping an Automatic Thought log. I’ve had to use it twice so far this week. At first, I was skeptical about using it, but now I see some patterns. Well, maybe not patterns since using it two times do not make patterns, but I’m letting myself see that I do get tunnel vision and I need to step back a bit. None of this is saying that I am in any way shape or form “better” No, what it is saying is that I need, to be honest with myself and work on all of this. Part of this is having the courage to reach out to people and have an honest dialogue with them. I did that with “Kitty”. I needed to talk, but I hadn’t been able to just pick up the phone and text her.