Oh, what a beautiful mornin’,
Oh, what a beautiful day.
I got a beautiful feelin’
Ev’erything’s goin’ my way.
Okay, starting with lyrics from “Oklahoma” may be pushing it a wee bit much, but read on.
It’s Saturday. Weather is ridiculous for January in Boston (56) and for the first time in a long time, well, I feel good.
Let me explain. I started using the set up for when I get hit with “automatic thoughts”. I’ve used it three times to be exact this week. The first time it was hard. When the “AT” hit, I cried a lot. I forced myself to open my journal and follow the steps. After going through the steps, I found out the “AT” was unfounded. The second time, it was still a hard “AT” that hit, but the reaction was a little bit different. I didn’t cry, I just felt really sad. Again, I opened up my journal and “reasoned” it out. The “AT” and the thinking response were unfounded on my part. I have a ridiculous capability to overthink and that leads to all my “AT” and the thinking that follows. The third time, well that one was a pre-emptive strike. I say that because I knew the “AT” was going to come. I could feel it. So I sat down and reasoned it all out. I did the worst case outcome, the best case outcome and the actual outcome. And when I knew the “AT” was about to hit, I took a deep breath and walked myself through all the things I had written. I survived. I was fine. The world didn’t end. People weren’t pointing at me or whispering behind my back and giggling.
Now I’m not saying that by doing this three times, I am cured. No, far from it. What I am saying is that I’m coming to terms with some of my demons. I’m starting to be able to look at what is pushing these “AT” and how to deal with them. I’m saying that writing in my journal and here has been a huge help (even if no one reads this). I’m saying I’m starting to be able to trust people again. What I am saying is I’m starting…just starting….to get a grasp on how to handle these “AT” and how to stop myself from going off the deep end. I have a long way to go, but now…I think the road is actually a little less longer than I thought. The Depression Devil and his Anxiety-Overthinking Side Kick will still show up on my shoulder. The stopped in for a brief moment today, but all it was was brief. I am really trying. It felt good to sing in my car – mercifully with the windows closed. It felt good to just smile and mean it. Not a forced smile. My meds are starting to settle into my body. I’m not feeling so cotton headed and things are clearer. In other words, it felt good to be me today.