Many times I’ve been alone
And many times I’ve cried
Any way you’ll never know
The many ways I’ve tried
Stealing again from the Beatles today. Not so much about the long and winding road that I’m traveling. That is part of it, bu the section I quoted above…”many times I”ve been alone.” Alone. Alone seems to be a theme for me right now. Mostly because I feel I’m traveling this road alone. I mean I know I’m truly not, but it feels like that.
Let me explain a bit further. This road is meant for me to travel alone. No one can clear the thoughts in my head or the depression from my soul but me. As I travel down this long and winding road, I may see a friendly Diner and decide to pop in for some coffee and pie. I see the Diner as a metaphor for people who offer me the chance to talk to them and let me have someone to confide in. But I can’t stay in the Diner and talk to the waitress forever. She has her own life and other customers to help out.
So off I go again, alone, down my long and winding road. Maybe I’ll see a quaint roadside stand selling tchotchkes. I see those as the many books and sites and things I may try to help me out. Some of those tchotchkes will help me out, but I will go through a lot of crap before I find the one(s) that really help me out.
I continue down my road and I see an accident. I panic. The accident is when I have my setbacks and I let my automatic thoughts and negative thinking (depression and anxiety in general) come roaring back. The accident victim is me and the instigator is the Depression Devil. I may get stuck at this accident scene for a little while. There is a lot of rubber necking going on – me over thinking and worrying and letting it all come roaring back. But eventually, the things I’ve learned (am learning) will help me move on past this accident and through the congestion to continue on my road.
I can’t expect anyone to tag along as my co-pilot because, honestly, who wants to call out “shot gun” for a road trip like this? No one I know. Asking people who say they love you to ride shotgun on a trip like this is asking too much. It is for me anyways. More often than not I have placed too high of a value on my place in their life, forgetting they have lives of their own to live. I respect that and now can understand that.