One of the things I talked about in therapy this week was being able to say out loud that I mattered. To say it out loud and MEAN it too. That was harder. The first few times I said it, it came out like a question. I was questioning do I matter? That comes down to one of the roots of what I’m talking about in therapy. Do I matter? Who do I matter to?
You can do a Google search on the subject and you’ll come up with quotes by the dozen – not unlike the one I posted above – that say if you matter to someone, they’ll make time for you. That’s a heavy, heavy comment to hold over someone’s head. How do you know if you matter to someone? Is it because you talk to them all the time? Is it because they tell you that you matter to theHow do they show that you matter? Is it with a hug? Is it with a smile? Is it with a text or an email or a letter? I don’t have the answer to that. I’m struggling with that right now. Some people are amazingly lucky and can give you an answer off the tip of their tongue. They know why they matter. They have no doubts in their minds. Me, I have many doubts…hence therapy.
One expression I did come up and was able to say with conviction (eventually) is that I matter to the people who’s lives I touch. I can’t say that with a thundering conviction, I can just say it. But how do I know that I matter? That’s the sentence running in my head now. And that brings me back to my other questions…do we show someone they matter to us with words or with actions? Sometimes it’s a combination of both. Sometimes actions speak louder than words and then you have to stop and think, if they matter to me and their actions show that I don’t matter to them, do I stop letting them matter to me? Can I be that person? No, I don’t think I can.
This therapy stuff can really make you think and think too much sometimes. We refer to the issues I’m dealing with a lake. Some stuff I may want to dive right into – which I am now – and some we may have to take little steps along the shoreline. I was journalling some stuff and apparently what I was doing was stating the issue. I was identifying the issue, but not dealing with the core/root of it. And we started doing that. For someone like me to say with conviction that I matter and I deserve help was an extremely hard thing to do. I will praise you, I will shore you up when you are down, I will go to the ends of the earth to help you with whatever you need. But for me to believe I matter and I deserve help was not an easy thing.
I am learning how to trust again. I lost that ability. I am very guarded and jaded now. I appreciate people who have been there for me no matter what degree it has been. I just hope that my saying and believing that I matter to the people whose lives I touch isn’t going to come back and hurt me.