I want to be f*cking normal, is that so much to ask?

I’m not “secretive” about my depression, but when I tell people I suffer from that and anxiety, I pray I don’t get “that look”. You know the one. It’s the tilt of the head and the eyebrows pinched together accompanied by the look that you are a broken person. Yes, I’m a fucking broken person. So fucking what? I have cracks and chips and sometimes like right now, those cracks are coming undone. But you know what? I’m no different than you or the person next to you. Sometimes my cracks and my chips make me interesting and a lot more understanding of other people who are afraid of their cracks and chips. Sometimes I wish my cracks and chips were more permanently settled and glued together better.

My depression isn’t defined in black and white. There are many shades of gray in there, so many different shades that I can rival Home Depot’s paint section. My grays are the harder colors to deal with. When things are black and White, I can point and say that this or this is triggering my depression right now. But the grays, they are harder to explain to my family and loved ones. That’s when I fear the looks or thoughts they are having about my depression. I don’t ever want to see them look at me and seeing me as broken. That is why sometimes I wish I could just be normal. Depression can make me feel lonely and that I don’t matter.

Sometimes when I am in the place I am right now, feeling lonely and that I don’t matter to the people who matter to me, I have to struggle to remember who I am. Who I used to be. I have to remember or struggle to remember that I am not shades of gray all wrapped up in sadness. There is a person inside me that has a sense of humor (though sometimes a bit twisted – in a good way). A person who knows things that are so random, it’s amazing. A person who loves music and movies and books and really loves to laugh and smile. But today, I pray that people don’t look at me because I fear that what they see is this sad person who should be avoided and left alone, no ignored is a better word than alone. I fear that if people see me right now, where my head space is, that instead of wanting to talk to me or smile at me, they would choose to ignore me which sets off this spiral of believing I don’t matter.

Depression is such a twisted illness to deal with. You don’t get a fever or a rash to say that you are dealing with it. What you get is this special room in Hell that has your name on it and you have to deal with it on your own. It’s this private war in which you battle against yourself. Thoughts become bullets and words become wounds. It is a thief, it has stolen everything from me. Everything I had and leaves me with doubts. It makes me forget that in my black and white moments, that the world is colorful and I have to see that.

You know, you know you will be okay, but the problem that depression leaves you with is that I feel awful. I know people love me, but at times like now, it doesn’t feel like they do. I want to do something to make me feel better, but I just don’t know how to do it. I want to be well, I want to say that I have put so much behind me, but times like now, I feel like I am stuck in quicksand.

 

The Sorry Syndrome

I am the type of person who has this need to constantly apologize. I say “sorry” a lot because I feel like everything is my fault. I say “sorry” a lot because I’m genuinely afraid I’ve insulted you somehow. I say “sorry” because I honestly believe I have annoyed you in some way. I say “sorry” so much because I believe I annoy you with my presence. I say “sorry” so much because  I never realized how much I do it until it was pointed out to me. All too often I am hearing/reading “Why are you sorry?” I automatically think I did something wrong no matter what and I apologize. I always feel like I need to say I’m sorry for who I am. It comes from second guessing and over thinking everything I do. I have put such a weight on my shoulders to make everyone happy that I accept the blame for whatever I have convinced myself I have done. I feel if I am in disagreement with someone, in order to not have them be mad at me, I apologize before any confrontation begins, even if it is one in my own head.

I never realized how much I do it until it was pointed out to me. All too often I am hearing/reading “Why are you sorry?” I automatically think I did something wrong no matter what and I apologize. I always feel like I need to say I’m sorry for who I am. It comes from second guessing and over thinking everything I do. I have put such a weight on my shoulders to make everyone happy that I accept the blame for whatever I have convinced myself I have done. I feel if I am in disagreement with someone, in order to not have them be mad at me, I apologize before any confrontation begins, even if it is one in my own head.

It comes from second guessing and over thinking everything I do. I have put such a weight on my shoulders to make everyone happy that I accept the blame for whatever I have convinced myself I have done. I feel if I am in disagreement with someone, in order to not have them be mad at me, I apologize before any confrontation begins, even if it is one in my own head. In my head, if I apologize then I am making myself small and insignificant to the person and they won’t judge me.

But where does this stem from? Where did it begin…my constant need to say I’m sorry? Do I say I’m sorry to stay out of the way and not get noticed? Yes. If I feel I need to apologize for just “being” I do.  Are there certain situations that make me say sorry more than others? Absolutely. 90 out of 100 texts I send will have some kind of an apology in them for what I

Are there certain situations that make me say sorry more than others? Absolutely. 90 out of 100 texts I send will have some kind of an apology in them for what I perceive are needed reasons. I bothered you with my text. You have more important things to do than looking down and see my text. I have your number and shouldn’t have bothered to text you at all. I apologized so far this week (and it’s only Tuesday) for not bringing out the recycling when it wasn’t really for me to do – I was taking out the trash to be nice. I apologized for asking someone if I could vent to them. I apologized for sending a text and before I sent it I felt I shouldn’t have sent it. I apologized for not putting the garden hose away in the fall and I don’t honestly know if I did put it away or if it was my husband. I apologize if I took to long to do something because it was hard for me to do alone when I didn’t ask for help, to begin with. I apologized for a class being too loud when I had to teach in the caf because my classroom was being used and I had no idea I was bothering someone else. I mean the caf is like a fucking cavern and even a whisper echoes. I just sent an email apologizing to someone because I basically asked him to do his job. I felt guilty for bothering him.

Is there someone who makes you feel so intimidated that the only way I feel like I can respond is by saying “I’m sorry”. Yes. I feel like my presence in people’s life is a bother. I feel like I have to apologize for just saying hello sometimes.

 

It’s hard. Fighting all of this

I always knew it was going to be a long long road to travel. An uphill battle if you will. I also know that I was going to feel lonely …. no, feel alone. Lonely and alone are two different things. I knew there would be potholes too. Some big some small. I feel like there have been some sink holes along the road this week. And because of the sinkholes, I feel things creeping back up. I am feeling some automatic thoughts of not mattering and feeling like a loser. I feel like nothing … and I mean nothing I do is right. I feel like I’ve lost some of my drive. I feel like my feet are stuck in molasses and I’m just having a hard time with everything.

It’s not anywhere near what it was before, but that doesn’t make it any harder to fight. I just now know how to deal with it better so it doesn’t hurt as much and I can take some of the sting out.